I went out after work today with a co-worker/friend of mine for a late lunch since we had a half day of work. It ended up being an amazing time eating BBQ pit beef sandwiches and talking about sex! I mean how can you go wrong with food, friends, and sex? You can’t! So we’re talking and she’s telling me about her new boyfriend who she’s really into but there’s one small issue she’s facing: he’s uncut and she’s not too sure what to do with him – do you treat it any different? If you play with it the wrong way, will it hurt him? As I personally have never had experience with a guy who is uncut, nor have really studied them closely in pictures (I prefer mine Kosher!) I didn’t know how to help her. So what did I do? I turned to my guy friends of course! I sent out a mass text asking if they or anyone they know are uncut (yes, I have the balls to ask this of my guy friends because I am that awesome!). The responses and the conversations over text (and AIM and my conversation with her – plus the two pictures I got to show us what a soft uncut penis looks like compared to a hard uncut penis) that ensued were hilarious!

Her and I talking about who to ask and thinking we should drive back to work and find a prostitute standing around (we have a prostitution problem apparently not far from where I work!) and ask one of them what to do: Why can’t you find a damn prostitute when you’re looking for one???

Our title for our future novel (our version of He’s just not that into you: Love conquers all: even uncut penises … if you know what to do with it!

C (via text):”What about it? Don’t think so hard. It’s exactly the same thing. Does she need some practice!”

C: “And the head appears on its own. We’re not talking about a rolled up carpet here. There’s a reason the say ‘nip’ off the tip. They don’t need a bucket to hold the leftovers. When it gets hard, the skin pulls itself back for the most part. Don’t over think it. Circumcision exists for the same reason as Jewish pork laws: to save nasty hygienically-challenged people from themselves.”

Me to C on his mentioning purple penises (referring to the head): Penises are color coded???
C: What? Do you always do it in the dark? Yes!

M: “LOL well why would she feel like she needs to do anything different? Blow him, jerk him off, lick his balls, ride him like the metro at rush hour!”

After I sent C. a boob pic (I am that awesome!) so he could get hard and show us the difference: “After. Not quite at full attention but the best I can do in a work bathroom with a good friend’s boob.”

Jon on if sending naked pictures is wrong when you’re in a relationship:
“we’re the wrong couple to ask
we support friendly nakedness lmao
that should be a bumper sticker
i support friendly nakedness”